Hello, person behind the PC reading my first WordPress ever. Nice to meet you, and thank you for succumbing  to your curiosity and actually reading my site. Please call me Middy. How do you do?

So yeah, I guess some introduction is needed. What’s the site about? Let’s just say it’s a site to build my self esteem, by doing what I do best: writing. At least that’s what I believed. If you don’t think so, do tell me. Or don’t. Actually don’t. I kinda need my self confidence, haha.

You see, I’m a socially awkward person. Like really awkward. Since I was little, I find solace in reading and writing. I wasn’t quite a happy child. My family situation didn’t allow me that. I mean, there were of course snippets of feeling happy at times. Actually, I’ve forgotten lots of my childhood memories. Worrisome, but I make do. Let’s stop at that, since it’s in the past. But back then, I pretty much buried myself in reading and writing. I was pulled out of kindergarten when I was just learning to spell. Loong story. I remembered the screaming and shouting between my parents, my mum crying, and the next day, my mum told me I don’t have to go to kindergarten with my older sister anymore. I remembered crying. Uh, okay. It’s getting pretty depressing for me, so let’s stop. Anyway, I had to stop going to school. But I like words. So while kept at home, I learned how to read by myself. I was reading novels at six years old, thick, difficult novels. I didn’t understand a lot of words, of course, but not understanding didn’t really diminish my love of books. And there were dictionaries.

At the same time, my dad left. For many years we wouldn’t see him. So, my mum. I was fortunate to have a mother who puts emphasis on education. And she sent me to get my primary education at the public primary school. Unfortunately, I have become very very timid. I used to have a bright, mischievous personality. Quiet, but pretty experimental. Being pulled out of kindergarten (or probably witnessing the fight that caused it) and sequential occurrences that weren’t exactly pleasant (MIA dad, relocation 3-4 times when still in primary school, bullied by peers and teachers, etc.) proved to have me changed. I also discovered that I was often in different wavelength than others my age, and found myself at one time, a misanthrope. You see, people were, no matter their age, very mean to me when I was still growing up. And I learned to love being alone. So I read. Then I wrote. Because books never hurt me, and my words were the voice I’d been suppressing. There’s another thing that I love: cats. But that’s another story.

So my fate was sealed. The fate of a socially awkward me. I tried a few times to get better, but something always happened and I found myself crawling back into my shell. I mean, when you don’t understand people, you give up pretty quickly when you get hurt. I personally think I deserve an applause because I keep trying still. To be completely honest, I’m not afraid of being alone. What I’m afraid of the most is losing my sense of self. I know I’m socially awkward, a recluse almost. But once upon a time, I used to express my self by writing. I’ve never been a great speaker, and once in my angsty teenage years, I started writing lots, so I was an expressive recluse, at least. Then, I started wanting to make writing my livelihood, but my manuscripts got turned away many times, and I got disheartened. Then I stopped.  And I felt my soul dying slowly. It was hard for me to speak up, be social or just be around people, really. Even online. We talk through a screen, but knowing there’s a person behind that screen is enough to exhaust me mentally. Since I have to be around people to put food on the table, I’m less shy now, but I still feel so awkward, and my quiet personality stays the same to the point of being misunderstood a lot of times. That, and the fact that I’ve lost my ‘voice’, slowly losing my sense of self as well. So many times, I feel depressed when I think about it.

I want to change this. I want my writing back. It’s a problem because often when I try, I succeeded in the first try. But there was never a second. There will be some false starts, and then a complete blackout. And I crawl around again before getting back up. I really want this to work. I mean, there are lots of hurdles to cross. Like the fact that I’m depending on my middle income wages, meaning overtimes. Less time to write. Or the fact that my laptop is not in a good condition, and I don’t have Internet connection at home ( “How are you online then?” Well, I’m skipping on preparing the PowerPoint I’m supposed to work on and stealing my company’s Internet connection to post this first post :D). Then also the fact that I’m rusty, my writing is definitely worse than ever nowadays. So, this is also a practice for me. Yay.

I’m hoping someday, hopefully not so far in the future, I can quit my day job and get a steady income from my writing to support myself and my family. Tried a few times before, but failed. Here’s to me, taking another shot at writing. Here’s to you, reading my first post, and giving me a chance to try again.

 

6 thoughts on “Hello, call me Middy.

  1. Hay I feel so much simpler in our life … Just like u I also hav been struggled with people especially girls .. as much as I love reading I used to love writing too but when I wanted to pursue that my parents stoped me and I left it there and haven’t written anything in a long time … And I don’t even have to confidence that I’ll write anything again …. It’s sad but I also want to be alone by myself even though there are a lot of people who try to approach me and try to befriend me I just don’t feel the connection with them … It’s because I feel no one is in the same wavelength as me and my thinking is just too different then theirs … I still hav a lot to say but I think ull be bored if I make it too big …. Lastly just want to say don’t give up on the dream and chase them even just a bit is also good

    Like

    1. Oh wow, it’s been so long since I’ve written this post. Thank you! I wasn’t bored at all, so no worries! As you can see, I haven’t been writing continuously at all due to work T_T Maybe I’ll start writing again soon, cause I’m feeling the itches, at the same time I’m being distracted with reading cnovels, hahaha

      Like

      1. Omg the same goes for me … I just graduated my degree… I don’t know whether to choose job or continue my post graduation education… And this is consuming my time … And obviously all the novel’s I read won’t allow me to have any time at all ….. Life is hard man !!!!! I wish things could be simple and easy

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I wish you all the best in life, maybe give yourself sometime to thoroughly think about your next step in life? Even if it’s when you’re in the bathroom, just give it a thought. Whatever you do, make sure you put yourself first, because you’ll be the one bearing the brunt of it all. Don’t be like me, there’s a lot of things I’m currently regretting because I never put my own needs and wants in the things that matter most in life. My birthday (which I’m sure makes me a few years older than you are if you graduated your degree at a normal age) just passed a few days ago and I’m forced to face lots of unhappy things in life due to not putting myself first. It’s okay to be a bit more selfish in deciding certain things, you know. Really, all the best!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. What u said … Is what I wanted to hear the most … But I really can’t make the decision on my own …. There is a lot of pressure on me from people and their expectation r high and I think if I don’t do what they say they will be disappointed in me … And I think what they say has a value as well …. In my mine I think thay are correct but mg heart is in a cross road

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s